Archive for Ask the Addicts Mom

Jun
05

Addiction: Cleansing The Wounds!!!

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Addiction: Cleansing The Wounds!!!

 As I visited www.addictsmom.com, a FREE Membership Site, where mothers of addicts can share without shame, find resources, and see that they are not alone I saw many comments about the wounds left by addicts. These emotional scars carry a huge burden until they are released or cleansed.  Just like a wound on our body these emotional scars should be treated with our own peroxide. Our peroxide can be in the form of spiritual guidance, seeing a counselor, making a decision to detach with love from the addict, and making the conscious decision to stop allowing our child’s addiction to be the focus of our life.  Just as the rain cleanses the earth and replenishes we should see to cleanse and replenish ourselves by making a mind, body, soul connection. The moment we decide to cleanse is the moment we will begin to feel liberated and thus have the ability to move forward with our lives and thus positively impact the lives of others in our family and outside our family?

Addiction: Cleansing The  Wounds – The Steps!!!

 The first step is to remove the stigma of being a parent of an addict. There is no shame in having an addicted child as stuff happens. In many cases there was nothing you did right nor wrong. Addiction happens because of many factors such as low self-worth, the addict doesn’t feel accepted or loved. In some cases it was just a matter that the only parenting skills you had were the skills you learned from your parents. The addict may have felt that you were judgmental and  non-supportive and thus turned to drugs and alcohol as a way to get your attention.  You as a parent probably began to internalize the notion what will everyone think and thus fed into the problem  and thus made it worse, you are not to blame as you were doing the best you could with the tools you have. The key is to remove the stigma stop worrying about what others will think and step up and say my son/daughter is an addict and we are working things out. Read More→

Addiction: Saying Goodbye Gracefully!!!

 

 Today’s blog entry was inspired by this Seals and Krofts song, We May Never Pass This Way Again. As I listened to the lyrics I began to think how important it is to realize that we get one chance to positively impact the circumstances that we are facing and how saying goodbye gracefully plays an integral role in all that we do.  As a parent of an addict you may have had to say goodbye to a child that was called home to GOD or you may have had to let go and let GOD as you have realized that you did all that could. having to bury a child is the hardest thing a parent will have to do. This challenge is magnified when your child was an addict because all types of  guilt comes over you as you wonder what could I have done differently? You begin asking why and you may never find the answer as we never know why, we can surmise that they felt unloved, unaccepted, and lacked self-worth. The key is to say goodbye gracefully by honoring their memory the best way you could by helping other families who are struggling with the challenges of addiction.  When your child is living and still choosing to live the addicted lifestyle all you can do is to say goodbye gracefully telling them you love them however until you are clean I can no longer support you. There comes a time to let go and let god. This takes a lot of courage because the second hardest thing for a parent to do is to separate from their child. In many cases saying goodbye gracefully and allowing things to unfold have proven to be the best as the addict decides to get on a path of recovery and the parent then is able to reunite with the child by being loving and supportive. As a parent it is important to realize that you can guide your child, you can educate your child about the dangers of drug and alcohol use, and you can be their emotionally for the child but despite the greatest efforts they may still use drugs and alcohol. The road your child takes will be mostly determined by the way you handle the 1st incidence of use. It is at this moment when you must commit to saying goodbye gracefully.

Addiction: Tools To Say Goodbye Gracefully!!!!

Mandisa expresses the importance to saying goodbye to the person you used to be in her song  Say Goodbye. When you use music as a tool and you truly internalize the lyrics you can say goodbye gracefully and move in a positive direction of your goals. Read More→

May
22

Addiction: Changing Your Attitude!!!!

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Addiction: Changing Your Attitude!!!

 Today’s blog post was inspired by Whitney Houston’s song, The Greatest Love Of All, as it helped me to shift my attitude and move forward in a positive direction. Whitney Houston was called home to GOD as a result of an overdose. Her beautiful messages delivered in song were a mask for the pain she was suffering. This led me to ask a question what pain are you masking as a result of having an addicted child? I then began to ask what challenges are being heightened because of the attitude you are showing toward the addict?
  Think about all the interactions you have with your addicted and the attitude you displayed when dealing with your child? Did you come from a position of love or a position of anger? Did you come from a position of hope or a position of fear?  When the phone rings and it is your addicted child do you cringe and say now what or do you take a deep breath and say I will be loving and supportive? When you see their name in an email do you say oh no delete or do you read and respond in a caring and loving way? The energy and attitude that you display will be the energy that you get back.  I know it is hard to do what Beverly Buncher suggests and Be a Loving Mirror. In past blog entries we touched on forgiveness, which generally leads to having a better attitude when dealing with the addict. Read More→

May
15

Addiction: Detaching With Love!!!

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Addiction: Detaching With Love!!!

 

 As I sat down to write today’s blog entry I did a quick word association with detaching with love and the first thing that came to mind was REO Speedwagon’s  Time For Me To Fly. As I listened to the lyrics I began to think if the relationship is no longer serving you it is time for you to fly and detach with love. Detaching from your addicted child is the most difficult decision that you will make as all types of emotions begin to enter your mind. You are fearful of the outcome so you continue to make excuses as to why you can’t detach. When I think of fear I think face everything and rise. It is time to take the fear away and allow yourself to detach with love.  After the fear comes anger as you are angry with yourself and the addict and thus hold on to the anger and hold on to the addict thus making the situation worse. I suggest you wrote down all the negative emotional feelings and then put them in a bowl and burn them and say today I detach from this situation with love praying that GOD will protect my addicted child and myself.  Once fear and anger are erased you can move on to detaching with love. There are many ways to detach with love.

The first step is to love yourself. Each morning when you wake up say I am love and I deserve to be loved. By loving and valuing yourself you will be able to detach with love.
 Express love in all you do. When you interact with other family members and friends show gratitude to them and express your love for them. When dealing with the addict as you detach with love remember you have done what you can do. You can use this statement I love you however the choices you have made have been hurtful to not only you but to me as well an until you are committed to your recovery I can no longer interact with you. This is a tough statement to make and it takes courage to stick to it, however it shows the addict where you stand and gives you the liberation you need to detach with love. Read More→

Addiction: Love Is Thicker Than Water!!!

 

 This song was written and performed by Andy Gibb, who died of what appeared to be a heart attack on March 10, 1988. It was believed that his abuse of cocaine led to his heart failing. Andy Gibb was 30 years old. This got me to thinking when are we as a nation really going to take on the issue of drug abuse? When are we going to stop glorifying celebrities like Lindsey Lohan and those who continue to make poor choices?  When  are we going to begin to focus on prevention? If your child never started using the problem of his or her addiction would not be interfering with your life and having a negative effect on your other family members.

 Andy Gibb wrote about love however as you read interviews that he conducted you would see that he didn’t love himself and felt his accomplishments were minor. This could explain his turning to cocaine for like most addicts they turn to drugs because of their lack of self-worth. They do not believe they are deserving of the best and thus they get into a self-destruction  mode and one day they are gone. May parents reading this blog know to well the feeling of loss as they have experienced it first hand and when they hear these songs they bring memories of better times.  Tracking the life of an addict that is still deep into their addiction  brings many answers but also leaves many questions?

 Parents who are dealing with an addict know this cycle all too well and do their best to break the cycle. The question is how did this start? The answer is that your child was lacking a sense of belonging and turning to drugs gave him or her what they were seeking. The next question is why did it continue? It continued because they didn’t feel a need to stop and did not realize the problems their drug use was creating. In some cases what a parent thought was loving became enabling and thus never forced the child to fend for themselves. In some cases it was just the simple fact that it was easier to blame everyone else instead of being accountable for their actions. The question remains how do you break the cycle? The answer is you do not break the cycle the addict must break the cycle. When the addict is serious about recovery then and only then is progress made. You can not guilt your child into getting better, you can not continue to through money at the problem because that doesn’t help, you can’s make excuses as that worsens the problem. The best thing you as a parent can do is to set boundaries and keep to the boundaries. The worst case scenario is that you get that knock on the door saying your child is dead can you identify the body. This happens everyday in America and it is sad because in many cases the loss could have been prevented. The best case scenario is that the addict decides that his poor choices as a result of using no longer serve him or her and they make an effort to stop and get sober and remain sober. Read More→

May
01

Addiction: We Have Only Just Begun!!!

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Addiction: New Beginnings!!!

 

 As I listened to Only the Beginning by Chicago I began to think about all the trial and tribulations that a mother of an addict goes through and how important it is to turn the page create a new beginning. It is only fitting that today we turn the page of the calendar to begin a new month. The month of May marks a special day for mothers and this Mother’s Day I suggest you create a new beginning by doing something special for yourself and then everyday do something that brings joy and happiness into your life.

 I have read many stories at www.addictsmom.com, where the mother seems to be holding on and hoping that the addict will change. The addict is not going to change until they are ready to change. In many cases the mother will get the news that their son or daughter was found dead of an overdose or involved in a drug related death. This is the saddest news a mother will ever hear. The mother will think what did I do wrong and what could have I done differently? The answer is you didn’t do anything wrong you did what you felt was right in your heart. There is nothing you could have done differently as you did the best you could with the tools you had. As stated earlier you are not to blame as your child made a choice and it turned out to be a bad choice. The silver lining in this is that now you can create a new beginning by starting a group to help others that have felt the pain that you have felt. You can fund a scholarship at a treatment center to get someone help. The loss a child is sad however you can move forward an create a legacy of hope by honoring your child’s memory.

 Each day is a new opportunity. This is a difficult concept for some to totally wrap their head around. You can not go backwards and it doesn’t serve you to look at the past unless you are willing to let go and move forward. Looking to the future and projecting what might happen doesn’t serve you either as it creates stress. The only thing for certain is today and thus it is important to use your 24 hours wisely. In interacting with your addicted child think what was done in the past might have been hurtful and deceitful however that was then this is now. I usually write in the past and up until I had issues with_______________________, from this time forward I will be better at dealing with these issues. I also will remind myself that it is my responsibility to shine my light and be an example.  You are in control and if your dealings with your addicted child gets to be too much where it is a determinant to you and those around you then you have to make the hard decision and severe ties until they get clean and show that they are accountable for their actions. This at times is the catalyst for a new beginning as you will sense and experience a burden being lifted away. It is when you peel back the onion and understand that you can not fix the addict as the addict needs to fix themselves that you will be able to move forward and have a new beginning. Read More→

Addiction: Stopping The Emotional Roller Coaster!!!!

 

  Have you felt like you are riding an emotional roller coaster when dealing with the fact that your child is an addict? Do you feel like you are going in circles in dealing with the issue? Well you are not alone. When you visit www.addictsmom.com you will see that there are many mothers going through the same trials and tribulations that you are going through. As I read the stories at www.addictsmom.com I began to see a common thread of mothers as they are riding an emotional roller coaster. This brought to mind the question how do you stop the emotional roller coaster.

   You can simply wait until the addict puts on the brakes and stops or you can be proactive and set boundaries.  By being proactive and setting and sticking to boundaries you will be able to stop the emotional roller coaster. As you stop the emotional roller coaster you start to become healthier and your dealings with the addict becomes easier. Detaching the emotional charges associated with the situation will help to distress the situation  because you step into your power and stop the emotional roller coaster.  Remind yourself that the roller coaster has come to a stop and it is now time to get off and exit. Read More→

Addiction: Why The War On Drugs Is Failing?

 This quote by Carl Jung explains why The War On Drugs Is Failing. It is that simple what you resist persists and tends to become a controlling factor.

     The war on drugs is failing because it is actually a war on society and people for many people in power do not want to solve the problem of drug abuse as it has become a big cash cow for them. Just look at this paradigm we are spending millions of dollars in Afghanistan to protect poppy fields which lead to drug production which leads to the destruction of people and thus allows those who wish to exploit others to stay in power. We are so busy fighting the war on drugs that we continue to create resistance and thus drug abuse persists. Think about it  when you found out your son or daughter  was an addict, what was the first thing you said?  You probably expressed a disdain for you were fearful and you began to ask what did I do wrong? The answer is simple you didn’t do anything wrong. If someone wants to use they are going to use. If someone wants to stop using they will stop using, however as long as drugs and alcohol are readily available there will always be abuse. By declaring war on anything you only make the situation worse. Read More→

Apr
03

Addiction: Making Things Better!!!

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Addiction: Making Things Better!!!

 

 As I was searching for what to write about today I found this ELO Song and  it reminded me that things get better if we take the steps to make them better. Things may seem tough and you may feel distraught, however you can take solace in the knowledge that you have the power to make things better. In many cases it takes making a difficult decision such as letting go and letting GOD.  When things seem tough I recite the following so as to find strength to make things better:

 

 In order to make things better we must understand there are certain thing we can not change and certain things we can change. We have the power to change the way we think and react to a certain situation. We have the power to remove things and people who no longer serve us from out lives so we can make things better.  We can take the first step and realize that there is a problem and we can then choose to be part of the problem and keep adding fuel to the fire and allow it to burn out of control or we can come up with a plan to change the situation and fan the flames so that they burn out. Read More→

Addiction: You Are Stronger Than You Think!!!

 

 Today’s post was inspired by Mandisa’s song stronger. As I listened to the lyrics I began to realize that you are stronger than you think. You have conquered the first step in becoming stronger in recognizing that addiction has affected your family life. As a parent it takes great strength to come out and let people know that your son or daughter is an addict. As I continue to share with mothers of addicts at www.addictsmom.com, a FREE Membership Site dedicated to providing a place for mothers of addicts to share without shame, find resources, and see that they are not alone I realize just how strong you all are in coming forth to tackle the issue of addiction.

 As you begin to embrace your strength you will also realize that you have a power inside of you that can propel you to face and conquer the challenges you are facing so as to become a healthy parent. Becoming strong as a parent is important as you can ony help others if you are strong and healthy. A great resource can be found at www.strongforparenting.com, where Denny Coates gives advice to parents to strengthen their relationships with their sons and daughters.

 We find we are stronger than we think when we quiet the mind and go deep inside ourselves to find an inner strength that we may have not known before. Playing a video like this and shutting off the world and seeking the answers from the inside will lead us to become stronger in all of our dealings with a son or daughter that is an addict. There are many great resources like this video to help you to become stronger than you think. Read More→

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