Archive for Deatching With Love

Addiction Stepping Up And Stepping Out?

 In the ever expanding fight against addiction it is important to step up and step out to help those affected by addiction.  In stepping into your power and stepping up to the plate you begin to see that you are not alone in this battle and that there is help for you and your family.  It is time for all parents of addicted children to erase the stigma of having an addicted child. Understand people will be quick to judge because they don’t understand as they have not walked in your shoes and are most likely happy because it is not their kid. They don’t know that it could easily be their kid as addiction is becoming a pandemic in our country. Instead of others judging they should step to the plate and join in supporting the families affected by addiction. In stepping up to the plate and getting involved you can stem the tide of addiction. You may not eradicate it totally however by making an effort and doing what you can with what you have and doing it now you can alleviate a bit of the pain and suffering that you may be experiencing due to the fact that you have an addicted child.

One way to step up to the plate is to make plans to join The Addict’s Mom on May 17, 2014 at 10 AM at The Town of Davie Town Hall. I would suggest you leave the power stilettos at  home and break out your sneakers. In addition to speakers there will be an opportunity to walk a mile and share with other parents who are going through what you are going through. The hardest thing for a parent of an addicted child to face is the fact that their child has a problem. That is where www.addictsmom.com comes in as it provides an opportunity to share without shame, find resources, and see that you are not alone. In many cases it is getting over the stigma of having an addicted child that allows you to step to the plate. It takes much courage to step out and step to the place and to step out of the comfort zone to say Hello my name is_______ and I am the parent of an addict. After you admit to this reality you can then work on the healing process by understanding you did not create the problem, you can not control the problem, and you can not cure the problem. Read More→

May
07

Addiction: It Is Laundry Time!!!

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Addiction: It Is Laundry Time!!!

Have you ever put off doing your laundry and allowed it to pile up and then you have this sense of overwhelm and you continue to make excuses until one day you finally decide that it is time to do the laundry. This describes what many parents and family members go through when dealing with an addict. Addiction has reached nearly pandemic levels in America and yet like the laundry piling  law makers and others continue to make excuses and let it continue to pile up. It is time that everyone affected by addiction stood up and said it is time to do the laundry. Now you may be asking with all the loads of laundry to do where do we start? The answer is put in the first load and do one load at a time. If we are to cleanse our country of addiction we must first look at the root cause of addiction and that is the reason drugs are so prevalent and readily available in our neighborhoods. One is because there is money to be made another is because so many people are looking for love and acceptance and turn to the drugs and the drug culture because of the lack of love and acceptance they perceive to be receiving.

 Another reason drug and alcohol use is increasing in our society is that those using have not developed the mental acuity to judge and see consequences.  A persons judgmental skills and critical thinking skills develops from the age of 12-22. During this period of time of the neurons of the brain do not connect with the frontal lobes due to drug and alcohol use and abuse the person gets stuck in that mental age for life. Imagine dealing with a an addict at age 25 who has the mental capacity of a 16 year old. This addict may not understand that it is time to do the laundry and to clean up their act as they are still acting out of impulse and not thinking of consequences. The only way to combat this is to do the laundry and make sure you are actively involved in your child’s life. Remember you are not here to be their friend you are here to guide them and develop them.

 When doing our laundry we have a regiment wash, dry, fold, put away. When dealing with an addict you must also have a regiment. Set boundaries, keep boundaries, be loving, take care of yourself first before taking care of the addict. The best thing would be if you never had an addicted child for all those that had influence over your child would have washed them of all their negativity that led to them using drugs.  The child would have been dried and their mindset would have been one of staying away from drugs. The child would have been folded into a group that lifted them and made them feel loved and accepted without the use of drugs. The child would have been put away clean every night and woke up every morning with a sense of purpose. Unfortunately this did not happen and you have an addict as a child so it is time to do the laundry. Read More→

Apr
30

Addiction: God Will Make A Way!!!

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Addiction: GOD Will Make A Way!!!

 In the time of deepest despair it is refreshing to be able to turn to GOD and know that he will make a way. As a parent of an addict or a family member of an addict times get tough and you tend to wonder when will it all end, when will the addict wake up and know that he or she is not only hurting themselves but hurting the entire family. Sometimes the addict never wakes up and it ends with the knock on the door to come identify your child. At that moment you ask why GOD? The answer is generally because I didn’t want your family to suffer any longer and now you can help other families who are dealing with addiction.

 On the other end of the spectrum the addict makes a decision to turn things around and makes a commitment to him/herself  and GOD to become clean and sober mind. The stories that I hear of recovery all have a common theme and that is that they had a spiritual awakening and decided that GOD had a bigger plan for them.  As the addict realizes that GOD will make a way and they change their attitude and begin to believe in themselves that they have the courage to change and serve the community it is important for the parent to be supportive. In some cases it means the understanding to detach with love until the addict is ready to make the commitment to be clean and sober and realize that GOD will make a way.

 When things seem desperate and beyond your control look to the scriptures and now that GOD will make a way. Read More→

Apr
25

Addiction: Step By Step!!!!

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Addiction: Step By Step!!!

 

 In the process of recovery it is important to not only have the addict working a program but also to have the family of the addict working a program. So many times a mother or father will get so caught up in the child’s addiction that they suffer emotionally and physically. To avoid this it is important to put together a program that allows you to be healthy both mentally and physically for you are of  no value to anyone if you are not healthy.  In many cases it is as simple of working your own 12 step program.

 

  1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
  2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
  3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
  4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
  5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
  6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
  7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
  8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
  9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
  10. Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
  11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
  12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Read More→

Addiction: Dealing With The Non Addicted Siblings!!!

 

 In 1979 Sister Sledge released the song, We Are Family.  As I began to listen to the lyrics I began to think we are all connected in one way or another.  This connection has been made stronger because of the website www.addictsmom.com, which was started by Barbara Theodosiou, a mother who knew she was not alone when dealing with having addicted children. She developed The Addict’s Mom to give mothers of addicts a platform to share without shame, find resources, and to see that they are not alone. In visiting www.addictsmom.com I came across a question, how do you deal with the non addicted siblings?

 The beginning of dealing with the non addicted siblings is to acknowledge that there is an addict in the family. One way to acknowledge this is to gather the family together and accept the fact that there is an addict in the family. At this family gathering it is important to formulate a plan of action to deal with the addict and all that are affected by the addict’s actions.

Setting boundaries is a very important step in dealing with the addict and your non addicted siblings. Believe it or not most kids want rules and regulations. It is when you set boundaries and explain consequences and stick to the plan that you can positively affect your non addicted siblings.

 It is important to talk to your kids especially the non addicted children. Take an interest in your children, know who their friends are, know what activities they are involved in, make it a point to show interest in your children. Remember you made a conscious decision to bring a child into the world and you have a responsibility to nurture and guide the child the best you can. Be aware they are going to do things where you will have to discipline them and make tough choices, Many times by being strict from day 1 and setting and sticking to boundaries you set in motion the behaviors that lead away from drug and alcohol use. The biggest thing you can do for your children is to speak to them and make time for them. The best words you can ever tell your child is I am here for you. This doesn’t mean financially it means emotionally and spiritually. Read More→

Addiction: Waiting For A Joyful Noise!!!

 

As I sat down this morning to read Rev. Dr. Dee Adio Moses book Heal Your Life With Daily Prayer and Affirmations, the passage for today spoke of singing praises to GOD and having good things happen for you.  The n I turned to Mary Manin Morrissey’s book The Miracle Minute and the entry for today was about bringing joy to others. I then wrote in my gratitude journal and one of the things I was grateful for was the joy that was being put into my life. I then began to think about the scene from the Movie, The Bucket List, where Jack Nicholson’s Character and Morgan Freeman’s Character are speaking about what happens when you die and Morgan Freeman’s Character says there are two questions you must answer did you live a life of joy and did your life bring joy to others for everything else is meaningless.

 

As I began to reflect on the reading and the scene in the film I began to ask how many of the parents that will read this today are waiting to hear a joyful noise? How many moms and dads will take care of the challenge they are facing of having an addicted child?  As I visited www.addictsmom.com, a FREE Membership Site dedicated to helping mothers of addicted children by giving them a place to share without shame, find resources, and see that they are not alone, I began to read the messages an many had a common thread of wishing that the addiction would go away? Many commented that they had heard the joyful noise they were waiting for as their addicted child was now clean and doing well. The greatest joyful noise that a parent of an addict can hear from their child is I am getting help and I am working the program. When the addict decides that they no longer want to use and they make an effort to work a program and they make progress they begin to heal and thus make the healing process for the parent a bit easier thus creating the joyful noise that everyone is seeking. Read More→

Addiction: Staying Calm Cool and Collected!!!

  Today I have a lesson learned from my dealing with Verizon Wireless that will translate very nicely for parents dealing with addicted children and how to face the challenges of having an addicted child head on. It all started the other day when my battery for my Droid Razr swelled and began creating issues. As many of us have experienced our lives today often revolve around the cell phone as it has become the main source of connection for us. I went to a Verizon Store only to find out  that it was a third-party dealer for Verizon and they couldn’t help me. I was told go to the service center which I did only t find out it wasn’t a service center but a Verizon Corporate Store. Upon entering I explained the situation and was told well you need to buy a new phone as your phone is no longer in warranty and the fact that I didn’t have insurance on the phone I would have to buy a new phone at the retail price. Upon hearing this I stated calmly there must be something you could do to which the reply was no I can’t call customer service. I called customer service explained the situation and by the end of the phone call I had a new phone at no charge. All I had to do is pay the upgrade fee. The phone is being shipped to me later this week. Now you might ask what does this have to do with dealing with our addicted children. The answers are this when dealing with your addicted child be patient, remain, calm, cool, and collected and you will achieve the desired outcome that you want.  In some cases when seeking treatment you may be told people can not help you and there is nothing they can do. Instead of getting angry take a breath and calmly ask them to search out other alternatives. This may take time however in the long run you can find the assistance you seek to help face the challenges of having an addicted child.

 In dealing with Verizon I thought of the 12 steps and many applied as I accepted there was a problem, the phone had to be fixed. With addiction the person must be fixed. I forgave the man who said he couldn’t assist me, I prayed to GOD to help me keep calm to resolve the problem, I then thanked GOD for resolving the problem. The 12 steps can apply to every aspect of your life as you move forward in a positive direction of reclaiming your power and stepping into your greatness.  It took much self-control to not get angry today at the Verizon Sales Person, however getting angry would not have reached a pleasant solution. Getting angry never serves us and only accelerates the negative aspects of the situation. When dealing with your addict you have the opportunity to step back and breathe and come from a calm, cool, and collected point of view. The addict may be upset when they contact you, they may point fingers, play the blame game, and try to manipulate you however if you step into your power in a calm manner you may deflect the challenge that this contact has created. A hard  thing to do is to say from day one,  when the issue of drug and alcohol use rears its ugly head is to set boundaries like if you don’t stop using you don’t receive the privileges that I have afforded to you. If the problem gets worse and your addict becomes an adult upon them turning 18 you set boundaries that if not followed consequences are enforced. Read More→

Jul
24

Addiction: Moving Right Along!!!!

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Addiction: Moving Right Along!!!!

 

 Today’s post was inspired by The Muppet Movie and the song Moving Right Along as it speaks of the adversity that Kermit and Fozzy Bear faced on their travels but they just kept moving right along. This lead me to reflect on all the posts I read at www.addictsmom.com and in The Addict’s Mom groups on Facebook and I discovered that everyone has a similar challenge when it comes to addiction and that is dealing with the addict and the addicts behavior. As you face the challenge of having an addicted child you must understand that you did not create the problem, you can not control the problem, and you will not cure the problem and thus you should commit to moving right along. Now the question is how do you keep moving right along? The answer is accept there is a problem, face the problem, do the best you can with the resources you have, and understand that until the addict gets that rude awakening that their choices are not serving them in a positive manner they are not going to change. Once you begin to come to grips with the fact that your child is an addict and there isn’t really much you can do you will begin to have the ability to move right along. A recent study shows that 1 in 3 (33%) of families are dealing with addiction. Unfortunately because of the stigma associated with having an addicted child not many parents come forward to share and when they do many times they are ostracized from the community.  In an ideal situation a parent would recognize that their child was using drugs and/or alcohol and would be able to sit down and have a rational conversation about where the use of drugs and alcohol often lead and the child would have the where with all to understand that the parent is doing what is in the best interest of the child. The reality is that it doesn’t work that way because the parent is so concerned about being right and the child feels like they are being picked on that communication breaks down. Then there is the parental factor that you want your kids to like you so you give and give until you can’t give anymore thus putting stress on the parent-child relationship. Understand that most children lack the capacity to fully comprehend what is happening as the brain is developing and their judgment is flawed as the critical thinking elements of the brain have not been fully developed.  Think back to when you were a child and some of the things you did without thinking then you can relate to what your child is doing. Children tend to be impulsive and just do and this makes parenting very challenging especially when the child is not respectful and does things that are morally contradictory to the values of the family. The question is what to do and how to move right along? Read More→

Jul
10

Addiction: Overcoming The Pain!!!

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Addiction: Overcoming The Pain!!!!

 As I visited www.addictsmom.com I read many stories of the pain that the addict has caused to the mother and other family members. As I read the stories I began to think that there must be a way to overcome the pain and move forward with one’s personal and professional life. The hope of every parent of an addict is that the addict will break free and stop causing pain to themselves and their family. In many cases a parent’s  pain is so great that they shut down completely and become very distant and as a result their life goes into a downward spiral and they begin to suffer physically, mentally, financially and spiritually as they become so wrapped up in trying to save the addict that it only causes more pain for them and the family.

 In dealing with the pain remember you did not create the problem, you can not control the problem, and you can not cure the problem. Too many times I hear a parent ask what did I do wrong? The answer is you did not do anything wrong as you did the best you could with the resources you had. Many times a parent does not want to face the pain as it begins and doesn’t confront the problem until the pain is to great that the parent has to face it.  This comes from FEAR, which is false evidence appearing real. The reality is that as a parent you can not control every choice your child makes. You can guide them and hope that they listen and understand that you know a few things and if they make a poor choice to use drugs or alcohol that you confront them each time with love and show them that their choice is not the best. If they choose not to listen than it is on them. At that point is when you say you will not cause pain to me or our family and set boundaries. If they are under 18 you can send them to counseling and you can do let them know that their bad behavior as a result of poor choices will not be tolerated. Remember it is not your job to be their friend it is your responsibility to shine your light and guide them. If the child is over 18 you give them a choice either straighten up and stop using or leave the house until the time you are clean. This may seem harsh however it is necessary to stop the addict from using you for money and to stop draining you emotionally. Read More→

Jul
03

Addiction: Finding A Way Out!!!

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Addiction: Finding A Way Out!!!!

 There may be no easy way out but there is a way out.  The way out starts when you accept the fact that your child is an addict and you are powerless over the addiction. As you embark on your journey to find a way out remember that you did not create the addiction, you can not control the addiction, and you can not cure the addiction. You can however take control of your life  by making sure you let go and let GOD. When you understand that everything has happened for a reason and you find what that reason is you can work your way out of the issues created by having an addicted child. The dynamics involved are very complex  and trying to figure out what went wrong is fruitless the only thing you can do is find a way out. The way out can be in the form of detaching with love until the addict is serious about getting help and making a change in their life. This is a tough step as it means that you will cut off communication with the addict until they get help and are sober (clean) for 30 days. Another way out is to support the addict emotionally and spiritually but not financially by being a loving mirror and shining your light for them to see. You can begin to focus on yourself and the other members of your family and move toward your goals and their goals.

Addiction: Finding A Way Out – Removing Fear

 The biggest fear a parent of an addict has is that their child will die on the streets. For many parents this fear has become a reality and their way out came with burying their child. The fear can be erased by focusing on you and the other members of the family. It is when you shine your light and share your story at sites like www.addictsmom.com that you continue to remove the fear of losing your child.  The time is now to face everything and rise by acknowledging the fact that you child is an addict and all you can do is watch things unfold as it is their choice to move forward and get help. Read More→

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