Archive for Member’s Sharing

Jul
03

Addiction: Finding A Way Out!!!

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Addiction: Finding A Way Out!!!!

 There may be no easy way out but there is a way out.  The way out starts when you accept the fact that your child is an addict and you are powerless over the addiction. As you embark on your journey to find a way out remember that you did not create the addiction, you can not control the addiction, and you can not cure the addiction. You can however take control of your life  by making sure you let go and let GOD. When you understand that everything has happened for a reason and you find what that reason is you can work your way out of the issues created by having an addicted child. The dynamics involved are very complex  and trying to figure out what went wrong is fruitless the only thing you can do is find a way out. The way out can be in the form of detaching with love until the addict is serious about getting help and making a change in their life. This is a tough step as it means that you will cut off communication with the addict until they get help and are sober (clean) for 30 days. Another way out is to support the addict emotionally and spiritually but not financially by being a loving mirror and shining your light for them to see. You can begin to focus on yourself and the other members of your family and move toward your goals and their goals.

Addiction: Finding A Way Out – Removing Fear

 The biggest fear a parent of an addict has is that their child will die on the streets. For many parents this fear has become a reality and their way out came with burying their child. The fear can be erased by focusing on you and the other members of the family. It is when you shine your light and share your story at sites like www.addictsmom.com that you continue to remove the fear of losing your child.  The time is now to face everything and rise by acknowledging the fact that you child is an addict and all you can do is watch things unfold as it is their choice to move forward and get help. Read More→

Addiction: The 3 Rs – Reflect, Relax, Rejuvenate!!!

 This Michael Jackson song, Man In The Mirror, is the first song I think of when I think about reflection as it all starts with ourselves. It is when we take a deep look at who we truly are and discover our authentic self and embrace this that we can be of assistance to the addict. In order to be of assistance to the addict the addict must be open to receive. If you want to change the situation you must take steps to reflect and then commit to change.  It is through reflection that we can find the root cause of the situation and then begin to plant new seeds and create a harvest of joy and abundance. This is not an easy thing to do as it takes courage to recognize your own faults and to work on being a better person when dealing with the fact that you have an addicted child.

 It is through reflection that you can move forward to improve the situation that having an addicted child has created. In many cases it is when we stop blaming ourselves and forgive ourselves that we are able to detach with love from the addict and realize that when they are ready to heal themselves they will. Hopefully the decision to get help will come in time so they can turn things around and have a productive life. The fact of the matter is that when you reflect and realize that you did the best you could with the tools you had you will be able to move forward and help yourself and your other family members.  As you do your reflection exercises be it through meditation, keeping a journal, saying prayers, writing forgiveness letters, attending support group meetings, or sharing at www.addictsmom.com, you may want to suggest to the addict that they do the same. Keep in mind the addict will only do the reflection exercises when they are ready and see the value of doing the reflection exercises. Read More→

Jun
19

Addiction: You Are Not Alone!!!

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Addiction: You Are Not Alone!!!!

 

 As I prepared for the day today I heard this rendition of You’ll Never Walk Alone by Barbara Streisand and thought about all the parents who have addicted children. I began to think how you are not alone in your challenge and desire to have your child become clean and sober. I then visited www.addictsmom.com and The Addict’s Mom Facebook page and saw the similarity of patterns of dealing with this cycle of addiction. As I saw some of the troubling stories I also saw many stories of hope dealing with the turn around the addict has made to become clean and sober as they stay on the path or recovery.  The important fact is to realize you are not the only one dealing with this as addiction has become a great health concern in our society.

 Once you accept the fact that your child is an addict and there really isn’t much you can do about it you will be able to move forward in a positive direction to get back on track with your life. The key is to accept the fact that your child is an addict and to understand you are not alone. After accepting the fact that your child is an addict do not try to figure out why or how it happened understand that there are groups you can turn to  in order to get yourself help to cope with this situation. By understanding that the addict made choices that were perhaps brought on by their perception of how they were treated you remove the problem of playing the blame game.  In many cases it is the attitude you bring to the situation that will determine the outcome. Take a step back and evaluate your behavior and see how it is affecting the behavior of those around you. Ask yourself how are my actions serving me in a positive way?  One phrase I always recommend to people is: In the past and up until now I had a problem with (fill in the blank), starting today I will (fill in the blank) to move forward in a positive direction. Read More→

Jun
05

Addiction: Cleansing The Wounds!!!

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Addiction: Cleansing The Wounds!!!

 As I visited www.addictsmom.com, a FREE Membership Site, where mothers of addicts can share without shame, find resources, and see that they are not alone I saw many comments about the wounds left by addicts. These emotional scars carry a huge burden until they are released or cleansed.  Just like a wound on our body these emotional scars should be treated with our own peroxide. Our peroxide can be in the form of spiritual guidance, seeing a counselor, making a decision to detach with love from the addict, and making the conscious decision to stop allowing our child’s addiction to be the focus of our life.  Just as the rain cleanses the earth and replenishes we should see to cleanse and replenish ourselves by making a mind, body, soul connection. The moment we decide to cleanse is the moment we will begin to feel liberated and thus have the ability to move forward with our lives and thus positively impact the lives of others in our family and outside our family?

Addiction: Cleansing The  Wounds – The Steps!!!

 The first step is to remove the stigma of being a parent of an addict. There is no shame in having an addicted child as stuff happens. In many cases there was nothing you did right nor wrong. Addiction happens because of many factors such as low self-worth, the addict doesn’t feel accepted or loved. In some cases it was just a matter that the only parenting skills you had were the skills you learned from your parents. The addict may have felt that you were judgmental and  non-supportive and thus turned to drugs and alcohol as a way to get your attention.  You as a parent probably began to internalize the notion what will everyone think and thus fed into the problem  and thus made it worse, you are not to blame as you were doing the best you could with the tools you have. The key is to remove the stigma stop worrying about what others will think and step up and say my son/daughter is an addict and we are working things out. Read More→

Addiction: Saying Goodbye Gracefully!!!

 

 Today’s blog entry was inspired by this Seals and Krofts song, We May Never Pass This Way Again. As I listened to the lyrics I began to think how important it is to realize that we get one chance to positively impact the circumstances that we are facing and how saying goodbye gracefully plays an integral role in all that we do.  As a parent of an addict you may have had to say goodbye to a child that was called home to GOD or you may have had to let go and let GOD as you have realized that you did all that could. having to bury a child is the hardest thing a parent will have to do. This challenge is magnified when your child was an addict because all types of  guilt comes over you as you wonder what could I have done differently? You begin asking why and you may never find the answer as we never know why, we can surmise that they felt unloved, unaccepted, and lacked self-worth. The key is to say goodbye gracefully by honoring their memory the best way you could by helping other families who are struggling with the challenges of addiction.  When your child is living and still choosing to live the addicted lifestyle all you can do is to say goodbye gracefully telling them you love them however until you are clean I can no longer support you. There comes a time to let go and let god. This takes a lot of courage because the second hardest thing for a parent to do is to separate from their child. In many cases saying goodbye gracefully and allowing things to unfold have proven to be the best as the addict decides to get on a path of recovery and the parent then is able to reunite with the child by being loving and supportive. As a parent it is important to realize that you can guide your child, you can educate your child about the dangers of drug and alcohol use, and you can be their emotionally for the child but despite the greatest efforts they may still use drugs and alcohol. The road your child takes will be mostly determined by the way you handle the 1st incidence of use. It is at this moment when you must commit to saying goodbye gracefully.

Addiction: Tools To Say Goodbye Gracefully!!!!

Mandisa expresses the importance to saying goodbye to the person you used to be in her song  Say Goodbye. When you use music as a tool and you truly internalize the lyrics you can say goodbye gracefully and move in a positive direction of your goals. Read More→

May
22

Addiction: Changing Your Attitude!!!!

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Addiction: Changing Your Attitude!!!

 Today’s blog post was inspired by Whitney Houston’s song, The Greatest Love Of All, as it helped me to shift my attitude and move forward in a positive direction. Whitney Houston was called home to GOD as a result of an overdose. Her beautiful messages delivered in song were a mask for the pain she was suffering. This led me to ask a question what pain are you masking as a result of having an addicted child? I then began to ask what challenges are being heightened because of the attitude you are showing toward the addict?
  Think about all the interactions you have with your addicted and the attitude you displayed when dealing with your child? Did you come from a position of love or a position of anger? Did you come from a position of hope or a position of fear?  When the phone rings and it is your addicted child do you cringe and say now what or do you take a deep breath and say I will be loving and supportive? When you see their name in an email do you say oh no delete or do you read and respond in a caring and loving way? The energy and attitude that you display will be the energy that you get back.  I know it is hard to do what Beverly Buncher suggests and Be a Loving Mirror. In past blog entries we touched on forgiveness, which generally leads to having a better attitude when dealing with the addict. Read More→

Addiction: Love Is Thicker Than Water!!!

 

 This song was written and performed by Andy Gibb, who died of what appeared to be a heart attack on March 10, 1988. It was believed that his abuse of cocaine led to his heart failing. Andy Gibb was 30 years old. This got me to thinking when are we as a nation really going to take on the issue of drug abuse? When are we going to stop glorifying celebrities like Lindsey Lohan and those who continue to make poor choices?  When  are we going to begin to focus on prevention? If your child never started using the problem of his or her addiction would not be interfering with your life and having a negative effect on your other family members.

 Andy Gibb wrote about love however as you read interviews that he conducted you would see that he didn’t love himself and felt his accomplishments were minor. This could explain his turning to cocaine for like most addicts they turn to drugs because of their lack of self-worth. They do not believe they are deserving of the best and thus they get into a self-destruction  mode and one day they are gone. May parents reading this blog know to well the feeling of loss as they have experienced it first hand and when they hear these songs they bring memories of better times.  Tracking the life of an addict that is still deep into their addiction  brings many answers but also leaves many questions?

 Parents who are dealing with an addict know this cycle all too well and do their best to break the cycle. The question is how did this start? The answer is that your child was lacking a sense of belonging and turning to drugs gave him or her what they were seeking. The next question is why did it continue? It continued because they didn’t feel a need to stop and did not realize the problems their drug use was creating. In some cases what a parent thought was loving became enabling and thus never forced the child to fend for themselves. In some cases it was just the simple fact that it was easier to blame everyone else instead of being accountable for their actions. The question remains how do you break the cycle? The answer is you do not break the cycle the addict must break the cycle. When the addict is serious about recovery then and only then is progress made. You can not guilt your child into getting better, you can not continue to through money at the problem because that doesn’t help, you can’s make excuses as that worsens the problem. The best thing you as a parent can do is to set boundaries and keep to the boundaries. The worst case scenario is that you get that knock on the door saying your child is dead can you identify the body. This happens everyday in America and it is sad because in many cases the loss could have been prevented. The best case scenario is that the addict decides that his poor choices as a result of using no longer serve him or her and they make an effort to stop and get sober and remain sober. Read More→

May
01

Addiction: We Have Only Just Begun!!!

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Addiction: New Beginnings!!!

 

 As I listened to Only the Beginning by Chicago I began to think about all the trial and tribulations that a mother of an addict goes through and how important it is to turn the page create a new beginning. It is only fitting that today we turn the page of the calendar to begin a new month. The month of May marks a special day for mothers and this Mother’s Day I suggest you create a new beginning by doing something special for yourself and then everyday do something that brings joy and happiness into your life.

 I have read many stories at www.addictsmom.com, where the mother seems to be holding on and hoping that the addict will change. The addict is not going to change until they are ready to change. In many cases the mother will get the news that their son or daughter was found dead of an overdose or involved in a drug related death. This is the saddest news a mother will ever hear. The mother will think what did I do wrong and what could have I done differently? The answer is you didn’t do anything wrong you did what you felt was right in your heart. There is nothing you could have done differently as you did the best you could with the tools you had. As stated earlier you are not to blame as your child made a choice and it turned out to be a bad choice. The silver lining in this is that now you can create a new beginning by starting a group to help others that have felt the pain that you have felt. You can fund a scholarship at a treatment center to get someone help. The loss a child is sad however you can move forward an create a legacy of hope by honoring your child’s memory.

 Each day is a new opportunity. This is a difficult concept for some to totally wrap their head around. You can not go backwards and it doesn’t serve you to look at the past unless you are willing to let go and move forward. Looking to the future and projecting what might happen doesn’t serve you either as it creates stress. The only thing for certain is today and thus it is important to use your 24 hours wisely. In interacting with your addicted child think what was done in the past might have been hurtful and deceitful however that was then this is now. I usually write in the past and up until I had issues with_______________________, from this time forward I will be better at dealing with these issues. I also will remind myself that it is my responsibility to shine my light and be an example.  You are in control and if your dealings with your addicted child gets to be too much where it is a determinant to you and those around you then you have to make the hard decision and severe ties until they get clean and show that they are accountable for their actions. This at times is the catalyst for a new beginning as you will sense and experience a burden being lifted away. It is when you peel back the onion and understand that you can not fix the addict as the addict needs to fix themselves that you will be able to move forward and have a new beginning. Read More→

Addiction: Stopping The Emotional Roller Coaster!!!!

 

  Have you felt like you are riding an emotional roller coaster when dealing with the fact that your child is an addict? Do you feel like you are going in circles in dealing with the issue? Well you are not alone. When you visit www.addictsmom.com you will see that there are many mothers going through the same trials and tribulations that you are going through. As I read the stories at www.addictsmom.com I began to see a common thread of mothers as they are riding an emotional roller coaster. This brought to mind the question how do you stop the emotional roller coaster.

   You can simply wait until the addict puts on the brakes and stops or you can be proactive and set boundaries.  By being proactive and setting and sticking to boundaries you will be able to stop the emotional roller coaster. As you stop the emotional roller coaster you start to become healthier and your dealings with the addict becomes easier. Detaching the emotional charges associated with the situation will help to distress the situation  because you step into your power and stop the emotional roller coaster.  Remind yourself that the roller coaster has come to a stop and it is now time to get off and exit. Read More→

Apr
17

Addiction: Be A Believer!!!

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Addiction: Be A Believer!!!

 

 As I thought about what to write today I found The Monkees, I Am A Believer, and I thought what a great message to send to parents of addicts because we all need something or someone to believe in. Most addicts are looking for someone who will believe in them and if you become that believer you may just put them on a path to recovery. You can verbalize your feelings, send cards, and show them support emotionally not financially to show that you believe in them. Many addicts become addicts because they didn’t believe in themselves and had no one believing in them. All people are looking for one thing and that is to be loved and if they don’t get it at home or school they turn to other means such as drugs. The drugs mask the pain but it feels so good that the addict continues to use to escape the issues that have created the problem. The key is to do your best to overcome the problem by being a believer.

 As I searched for ways to convey the message of being a believer I came across this Air Supply song, Someone Who Believes in You.  I thought what if you made this pledge before your child began using and you really meant it and you were their in a loving way not an enabling way. If your child begins to use you can play this song and make a pledge and have the child also sign the pledge to be there for you as well. As a parent it is important to remember you made a conscious decision to bring a child into the world and that until they reach the age of adult hood you have some type of responsibility to keep them healthy and safe. This is not done by spoiling them or over indulging them this is done by be a loving parent who understands you are not there to be a friend to your child but to be the one who will guide them and lift them. When a child makes a good choice praise them and when they make a bad choice in your eyes stay calm and explain why it was a bad choice. Many times they will not process what you are saying and think you are getting on them because the synapses and the judgment part of their brain has not developed fully yet. There is a website www.strongforparenting.com that can help you become a believer. Read More→

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