Archive for The Blame Game

Addiction: Staying Calm Cool and Collected!!!

  Today I have a lesson learned from my dealing with Verizon Wireless that will translate very nicely for parents dealing with addicted children and how to face the challenges of having an addicted child head on. It all started the other day when my battery for my Droid Razr swelled and began creating issues. As many of us have experienced our lives today often revolve around the cell phone as it has become the main source of connection for us. I went to a Verizon Store only to find out  that it was a third-party dealer for Verizon and they couldn’t help me. I was told go to the service center which I did only t find out it wasn’t a service center but a Verizon Corporate Store. Upon entering I explained the situation and was told well you need to buy a new phone as your phone is no longer in warranty and the fact that I didn’t have insurance on the phone I would have to buy a new phone at the retail price. Upon hearing this I stated calmly there must be something you could do to which the reply was no I can’t call customer service. I called customer service explained the situation and by the end of the phone call I had a new phone at no charge. All I had to do is pay the upgrade fee. The phone is being shipped to me later this week. Now you might ask what does this have to do with dealing with our addicted children. The answers are this when dealing with your addicted child be patient, remain, calm, cool, and collected and you will achieve the desired outcome that you want.  In some cases when seeking treatment you may be told people can not help you and there is nothing they can do. Instead of getting angry take a breath and calmly ask them to search out other alternatives. This may take time however in the long run you can find the assistance you seek to help face the challenges of having an addicted child.

 In dealing with Verizon I thought of the 12 steps and many applied as I accepted there was a problem, the phone had to be fixed. With addiction the person must be fixed. I forgave the man who said he couldn’t assist me, I prayed to GOD to help me keep calm to resolve the problem, I then thanked GOD for resolving the problem. The 12 steps can apply to every aspect of your life as you move forward in a positive direction of reclaiming your power and stepping into your greatness.  It took much self-control to not get angry today at the Verizon Sales Person, however getting angry would not have reached a pleasant solution. Getting angry never serves us and only accelerates the negative aspects of the situation. When dealing with your addict you have the opportunity to step back and breathe and come from a calm, cool, and collected point of view. The addict may be upset when they contact you, they may point fingers, play the blame game, and try to manipulate you however if you step into your power in a calm manner you may deflect the challenge that this contact has created. A hard  thing to do is to say from day one,  when the issue of drug and alcohol use rears its ugly head is to set boundaries like if you don’t stop using you don’t receive the privileges that I have afforded to you. If the problem gets worse and your addict becomes an adult upon them turning 18 you set boundaries that if not followed consequences are enforced. Read More→

Addiction: Wiping Away The Tears and Moving Forward!!!!

Glee actor Cory Monteith has died at the age 31, it has been confirmed ... The news of Cory Monteith’s death from an overdose came across the TV the other day and I immediately thought another lost to drugs, Why? Cory was 31 and seemed to have it all, but that didn’t stop him from using and overdosing. I then thought of all the parents who have lost a son or daughter to drugs or alcohol and how they are wiping away the tears and moving forward. It takes a lot of courage and strength to come out and say my son or my daughter was an addict and overdosed or my son or daughter had too much to drink and decided to drive and was killed in a car crash.  The first step to wiping away the tears and moving forward is coming to grips with the loss of a child and then turning the tragedy of losing a son or daughter into a positive by educating others and stopping their children from getting caught up in the cycle of addiction.  In her book Turning Loss Into Joy Vashon Marie Sarkisian gives the reader seven steps to heal the pain.

Accepting the loss and not blaming yourself is a step to help wipe away the tears and move forward. Understanding that you did what you believed in your heart to be right is the only solace that you need. By moving forward you do not erase the pain but you find ways to ease it, be it volunteering at  a local rehab center, starting a scholarship in memory of your son or daughter,  Sharing your stories to help others, or sitting in prayer will assist you in the process of dealing with the loss of your son or daughter. Read More→

Jun
19

Addiction: You Are Not Alone!!!

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Addiction: You Are Not Alone!!!!

 

 As I prepared for the day today I heard this rendition of You’ll Never Walk Alone by Barbara Streisand and thought about all the parents who have addicted children. I began to think how you are not alone in your challenge and desire to have your child become clean and sober. I then visited www.addictsmom.com and The Addict’s Mom Facebook page and saw the similarity of patterns of dealing with this cycle of addiction. As I saw some of the troubling stories I also saw many stories of hope dealing with the turn around the addict has made to become clean and sober as they stay on the path or recovery.  The important fact is to realize you are not the only one dealing with this as addiction has become a great health concern in our society.

 Once you accept the fact that your child is an addict and there really isn’t much you can do about it you will be able to move forward in a positive direction to get back on track with your life. The key is to accept the fact that your child is an addict and to understand you are not alone. After accepting the fact that your child is an addict do not try to figure out why or how it happened understand that there are groups you can turn to  in order to get yourself help to cope with this situation. By understanding that the addict made choices that were perhaps brought on by their perception of how they were treated you remove the problem of playing the blame game.  In many cases it is the attitude you bring to the situation that will determine the outcome. Take a step back and evaluate your behavior and see how it is affecting the behavior of those around you. Ask yourself how are my actions serving me in a positive way?  One phrase I always recommend to people is: In the past and up until now I had a problem with (fill in the blank), starting today I will (fill in the blank) to move forward in a positive direction. Read More→

Addiction: Love Is Thicker Than Water!!!

 

 This song was written and performed by Andy Gibb, who died of what appeared to be a heart attack on March 10, 1988. It was believed that his abuse of cocaine led to his heart failing. Andy Gibb was 30 years old. This got me to thinking when are we as a nation really going to take on the issue of drug abuse? When are we going to stop glorifying celebrities like Lindsey Lohan and those who continue to make poor choices?  When  are we going to begin to focus on prevention? If your child never started using the problem of his or her addiction would not be interfering with your life and having a negative effect on your other family members.

 Andy Gibb wrote about love however as you read interviews that he conducted you would see that he didn’t love himself and felt his accomplishments were minor. This could explain his turning to cocaine for like most addicts they turn to drugs because of their lack of self-worth. They do not believe they are deserving of the best and thus they get into a self-destruction  mode and one day they are gone. May parents reading this blog know to well the feeling of loss as they have experienced it first hand and when they hear these songs they bring memories of better times.  Tracking the life of an addict that is still deep into their addiction  brings many answers but also leaves many questions?

 Parents who are dealing with an addict know this cycle all too well and do their best to break the cycle. The question is how did this start? The answer is that your child was lacking a sense of belonging and turning to drugs gave him or her what they were seeking. The next question is why did it continue? It continued because they didn’t feel a need to stop and did not realize the problems their drug use was creating. In some cases what a parent thought was loving became enabling and thus never forced the child to fend for themselves. In some cases it was just the simple fact that it was easier to blame everyone else instead of being accountable for their actions. The question remains how do you break the cycle? The answer is you do not break the cycle the addict must break the cycle. When the addict is serious about recovery then and only then is progress made. You can not guilt your child into getting better, you can not continue to through money at the problem because that doesn’t help, you can’s make excuses as that worsens the problem. The best thing you as a parent can do is to set boundaries and keep to the boundaries. The worst case scenario is that you get that knock on the door saying your child is dead can you identify the body. This happens everyday in America and it is sad because in many cases the loss could have been prevented. The best case scenario is that the addict decides that his poor choices as a result of using no longer serve him or her and they make an effort to stop and get sober and remain sober. Read More→

Addiction: Why The War On Drugs Is Failing?

 This quote by Carl Jung explains why The War On Drugs Is Failing. It is that simple what you resist persists and tends to become a controlling factor.

     The war on drugs is failing because it is actually a war on society and people for many people in power do not want to solve the problem of drug abuse as it has become a big cash cow for them. Just look at this paradigm we are spending millions of dollars in Afghanistan to protect poppy fields which lead to drug production which leads to the destruction of people and thus allows those who wish to exploit others to stay in power. We are so busy fighting the war on drugs that we continue to create resistance and thus drug abuse persists. Think about it  when you found out your son or daughter  was an addict, what was the first thing you said?  You probably expressed a disdain for you were fearful and you began to ask what did I do wrong? The answer is simple you didn’t do anything wrong. If someone wants to use they are going to use. If someone wants to stop using they will stop using, however as long as drugs and alcohol are readily available there will always be abuse. By declaring war on anything you only make the situation worse. Read More→

Addiction: Yellow Ribbons, Yellow Flags, And Hope

 

 Tony Orlando and Dawn’s song Tie A Yellow Ribbon has become an anthem to welcome those returning home. The yellow ribbon on the tree has come to symbolize a love and desire to have the person returning involved in the family. For mothers of addicts they want a clean and sober addict to return home and for the addict they want a caring mother to welcome them with open arms and a whole lot of love. The most difficult task for a mother of an addict is to accept that was has been done is done, the future is uncertain, so accept the moment. A mother of an addict can tie that yellow ribbon and hope for the best. The mother must first and foremost take care of themself by reminding themself that she is special and that she deserves love and respect. Read More→

   

Addiction: The Fine Line Between Enabling and Love

  Recently The Addict’s  Mom has been exploring the subject of enabling through its FRRE membership site, www.addictsmom.com, and through its monthly conference call at 605-477-2199 pin 131099# reference #36.  In a recent post at www.addictsmom.com, Barbara Theodosiou the founder began her entry Titled Enabling Is Not Loving with the following,

My child I fixed it when you broke it, I replaced when you lost it, I protected you with my life, I didn’t want you to hurt so I fixed it and fixed it and fixed it. Now who is going to fix you?

Enabling is not love!! Love is fostering independence in yourself and others. I believe that is the single greatest gift you can give anyone …their independence. To read her entire entry please visit the FREE Membership Site. Read More→

Addiction: Underage Drinking, Heroin, Bon Jovi:Things That Make You Say WTH!

     

 

As I began to research for today’s entry I typed in to Bing Addiction In The News and the first thing that struck a chord was Underage Drinking Still An Issue Across The Nation. This did not surprise me as this is something that has been going on for ages. The question is why do most kids under 21 choose to drink. Some say all my friends are drinking and I want to fit in, which is where we as adults must make them feel important and comfortable enough to not give into the idea of fitting in. Some of the kids will sy I enjoy it, it relaxes me this is where you begin to teach alternatives like meditation, exercise, journaling, and other ways other than drinking.

   

The fact that most kids who do drink start at age 12 really made me say what the hell, then I remembered the story of me at The Passover Sedar, drinking all the left over wine and instead of the adults stepping in and stopping me they all said look how cute little Jonathan is getting drunk. This is where the issue starts for most kids they are allowed to drink and then they do stupid things and instead of being held accountable for their actions they are encouraged.  The key is to look for the warning signs and then begin to communicate with your children. There were many parties in my youth where there was drinking involved and in many cases the parents were at the parties and they said go ahead and you can sleep over in many cases the parents bought and provided the beer. The parents allowed this to happen and then years later wondered why many of the kids had issues associated with alcohol use. There are those that say if we didn’t have a drinking age and if we didn’t make alcohol taboo that the incidences of alcohol related issues would decrease. The key is how you as a parent deal with the issue of your child drinking. The issue of alcohol use is quite complex because we tend to glorify it as stated in a previous blog entry. I personally stopped using alcohol at age 27 as my doctor informed me of the damage I had already done to my body and how the continued use of alcohol could further hurt me. I now go out and my drink of choice is water or unsweetened iced tea. Read More→

Addiction: Going From Frantic To Free!!!!

by Jonathan Lederman- Media Director – The Addict’s Mom – www.addictsmom.com

I have  visited www.addictsmom.com and have also visited The Facebook Groups Addict’s Mom and Addict’s Mom 2 and have  read the stories of the trials and tribulations that the mothers are going through with their addicted children. I usually respond with sending prayers and a hug filled with hope and healing. Today (11/15/12) I was struck by how many mothers seemed to be frantic and at wits end with dealing with the addict. I must have  read I have  had enough of this 10 times today, thus I decided to write this entry Going From Frantic To Free.

 The first step in going from frantic to free is to understand that you are powerless over the addiction and the addict. As much as you want to have the addict in recovery and staying clean and sober it has to be the desire of the addict to do this not yours. After you realize you are powerless over the addiction and the addict then it is time to breathe and let things go. If your addict is over 18 it is time to say you are on your own and let them go about their life allowing the chips to fall where they may. They may not like this but it is the best thing you can do as it frees you to go about what you desire to do and not be burdened by someone elses poor choices. If your addict is under 18 it is time to stop trying to be their friend and get tough setting and sticking with boundaries.  If they say you can’t do that be tough and say I just did if they run away report them missing and let the drama go. This sounds harsh and it is however the best way to deal with an addict is to be tough and set boundaries. As a parent you need to stop rescuing the kids and allow them to figure it out for themselves. I am not saying don’t show love and compassion I am saying be their emotionally with encouragement for their recovery but stop the financial support.  By doing this you will go from frantic to free. Read More→

Oct
02

Addiction: How Are You Showing Up?

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Addiction: How Are You Showing Up?

by Jonathan Lederman – Media Director – The Addict’s Mom

In many cases the vibes that we are getting from others is how we ourselves are showing up. Think about how you are showing up and how you are carrying yourself. In dealing with addiction are you coming across as judgemental and angry or are you perceived as loving and caring. How you show up depends on how you feel about yourself on the inside. Have you been lacking self worth and thus allow others to step on you or are you confident and sure of yourself and thus are treated with respect.

 Are you a picture of positivity living your life with a thumbs up attitude knowing that you are okay and that you are loved and special and you deserve to be loved and treated special.  When you awake are you looking forward to the opportunities the day brings or are you dreading all that lies ahead.  An exercise to try each morning is to say a gratitude prayer thanking GOD for the day and the opportunities it brings. Read More→

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